Brokenness

I don't think anyone is truly broken until they are faced with their own evil heart. Once you truly know your own sin, a sadness settles into you that is entirely difficult to shake. I'm not talking about seeing what everyone else says about you. No, I mean once you see through the eyes of God just how desperately wicked you are. When you want to crawl under a rock and never return to the living.

Yet, somehow I persevere. God yet loves me and needs me to learn this lesson.

One has two choices when faced with despair:

1. Settle into it, like a man laying face down in the mud and just choosing to wallow in it. Allow it to pervade your being and then grow roots of bitterness into your soul, so that every time you are presented with the topic again, bitterness rises like a familiar old friend, and then anger overtakes you.
2. Take the sadness to God. Allow yourself to be broken before Him, humble before His Lordship and majesty. He is your daddy and He cares about every tear you cry. He cares about the state of your heart and wants you to heal. And only He can help you heal from the harm you have done to yourself and others.

It has been too easy for me to prescribe actions and scriptures, when in fact my own heart has been too dedicated to bitterness. I am beginning a journey of trying to dig up these roots of bitterness and throwing them on the fire. With God's help, my heart will be rich soil worthy of planting his seed within and wonderful fruit can finally grow in my household.

Stop the Victim Mentality

I came out of a fugue today, a fog caused by my own self-pity and a lack of seeking God. I'm not even sure when it began, or how long I've allowed it to beset my mind. God just showed me that I should never grow weary of doing good (Galatians 6:9).

The more we focus on our issues, the problems, the "waves", the more we sink into the water and start drowning. We swim and fight against the waves through constant spiritual activity, and God is with us when we ask Him for help, under-girding us with his guiding touch. In fact, we can walk on top of those waves the more we focus on Him, like Peter with Jesus - walking on water through faith. 

How does that evidence itself in real life? I'm not exactly sure. But simple obedience and simply walking with Him are a good start. Just a child-like faith that everything is going to be OK because daddy (Abba) is present and He's not going to let us down. Sometimes He reassures us, but sometimes we just need to keep fighting, reaching out to God and asking for His help and continuing to worship Him and shout from the rooftops about His Lordship. Even when our minds are darkened and all seems fruitless and hopeless. Our hearts can never grow dark or weary, and we need to keep going, keep giving our lives over to Him.

And at the right time, in His own time, He will lift us up and bring us to exactly where we are meant to be.

Lord, thank you for being my rock, my strength, my salvation, my fortress, my shield. You are my everything. I pray that I would learn what it means to love you with everything I am, everything I have. Please continue to strengthen me, that I might glorify you, and please wrap me and my family in your warm embrace, protect us all so that we can serve each other and others in your name. Set the captives free, Lord, and we will worship in your throne room forever!