All Things Work for Good

Man, this takes a lot of faith. I have had the burden of circumstances weighing heavily upon me, and I've been drowning in my own pity and sorrow.

My wife seems bent on divorce during particular moments, and I don't feel that it matters what I'm trying to do to work my way out of my issues. I get this feeling around my household when I go to visit, that the Daddy age has ended, and the party age is just beginning. I've been asking my wife for advice on how to interact with the kids, and I am hoping that it is the beginning of many dialogues to come. In other words, I feel that it is working in a positive direction, but I can never be sure, because of the utter lack of consistency that I get from my wife day in, day out. She doesn't seem interested in our relationship very much, that's for sure. She is more interested in my relationship with my kids.

Brothers in Christ have been telling me all sorts of things, from "just prepare for divorce" to "serve you wife and kids as best you can, and hopefully she'll come around". The best advice that I've gotten is that I need to leave it in God's hands, that this is a God-sized issue that is beyond me. But that is a lot easier said than done.

I've had to analyze why I feel everything is leading toward doom, that even divorce itself is the ultimate doom. I think I'm realizing (yet again) that there is a relationship addiction present that I need to let go of, but also I am realizing that I don't trust God. Like the parable of the invested talents, I am like the one talent guy that views God as a horrible taskmaster, and as a result, God will not invest in that attitude.

Thankfully I have a brother, Steven, that has been kicking my butt a bit and telling me that no matter what happens, God knows what is best for me. And that I have to believe that, and anything else is a matter of me believing Satan's lies. So, as hard as it seems, I have to give my situation with my wife up to God. Even if she divorces me, I just have to keep believing that God has a plan, and not harden my heart or sulk for years on end. Our Lord is good, no matter what. And that is what I need to believe. As much as I love my wife, and still hope all goes well and we both repent of our sins completely, I need to COMPLETELY give it over to God and not dwell on it any more, except to lay my petitions before Him in prayer and trust the outcome.

Lord, please give me the strength to persevere, looking to you for all the answers and outcomes for my life, because I have to believe that you will make everything right in your own timing. I surrender ALL.

I think I'm Ready, But I Need to be Patient

For those of you who are separated from your spouse and family and want desperately to go home, this one's for you...

Boy, am I ready to go home and be with my wife. I may even fool myself into thinking I'm ready to do so. But I am glad that she has drawn a line to ensure that I am fully recovered from my addiction. I am not certain that I will ever be fully 'healed', but I am certain that I am going to have a great relationship with God, and that I'll have some great tools to combat my issues so that I won't slip back into habitual sin. I also want to make sure that I don't objectify my family members, and that I love them to a greater extent and in a Godly way.

I'm not ready.

I realize that there are some foundational issues that I have to meet head-on in my psyche, baggage that I just don't want to carry back into my marriage again. Although I have been clean of porn for a long time, and I am taking the sensuality and lust part of it very seriously now, I realize that I still stare at my wife's body like it was a ribeye steak. And I realize that I would hop in the sack with her in an instant if she needed a 'fix'. The problem with all of this obsessing with sex, even with my wife, is that it lacks intent, purpose, and discipline, things that I desperately need if my marriage and family are going to go well moving forward. I need to learn to never objectify my wife, to not treat her like a thing, to cherish and respect her as a co-equal heir of the kingdom of God. She is my sister in Christ and the mother of my children and the caretaker of our home and my friend before she is my scrumping partner.

Weird as that may sound to some guys, it has to be true. We have to be willing to submit ourselves "one to another" and "consider others as greater than ourselves" before all of the other relationship things can work. I have to desire her heart and her intimate thoughts before I desire her body. It has to be important to me to listen to her because I value what she has to say, not because I think it's going to earn me her respect or time in bed.

I'm working on it. I'm glad for this time, and I pray that God will continue to change my perspective so that I can come back home a more complete man, ready to serve and lead at the same time.

Thank you, Lord for the opportunities to spend time with my family and to serve them. Thank you for the ability to talk with my wife about what is important to her. Help me to value that talk more than sex. Help me to value my wife more for the whole person she is, not the fact that I find her body pleasing. I pray that I would be able to go home before too much longer, but that I would have embedded in my spirit the desire to respect, honor, and cherish my wife. Help me to value playing with my kids and helping prepare them for life in your kingdom above any other form of entertainment. Amen.

He Has Delivered Me

I find it difficult to believe anything that can't be quantified - doesn't have evidence that I can touch, feel, or experience for myself. Like Thomas, who demanded to touch the wounds in Jesus' hands and side, I am somewhat of an objectivist. But God just laughs at that.

He has wanted my heart to be His, completely. And I have resisted most of my life, somewhat foolishly, because I am concerned about the God that I see that crushes the vain. I haven't trusted God and viewed him as a hard taskmaster, similar to the man with one talent that received nothing for failing to invest in God's kingdom. But I have learned, in my own vanity, that for those that He loves and for those that reach out to Him (if even infrequently and in the midst of their own consequences), He will make Himself known.

How do I know this? Because no matter how hard I have tried to leave the faith and give up on Him over the years, He has continued to reveal Himself to me in very profound manners, and has continued to draw me to Himself. Like an un-weaned babe, I have thrashed and screamed, desiring my own ways. And sometimes He has serviced me, allowing me to have the desires of my own heart even as He feeds me blessings. He has allowed me to meet the eventual consequences of my sin, even though He has always been there for me.

There is this consistent presence, this consistent "still small voice" that rings in the deep recesses of my head, sometimes stopping me in my tracks. There are the "leadings" that other believers have that meet me and challenge me where my needs are, where they are convicted that the Holy Spirit is telling them something about my hidden thoughts. Yet, for months and even years at a time, it seemed that God was not with me, as I begged to be released from addiction and shame.

And now, now when I am faced with deep depression and sorrow and wanting to end it all, now when I am ready to just give up again, He is there, corralling me into His embrace. God's presence washes over me in my deepest darkness, and He not only places a vision in my mind that I don't think I fully understand, but then seemingly pulls that glob of dark matter out of the gears of my heart so that they can move again.

Yeah, that's right. Somehow I feel that He has set me free. And the vision that accompanied it was that setting where I was exposed to porn as a small child, where Jesus comes into my memory and takes me by my small hand and leads me away. What does that even mean??? I think I've found that it doesn't quite matter, and that I am glad that Jesus is working in my heart, drawing me toward Him. Satan has attacked me harder than ever before lately, and I've dwelt upon plans of suicide and all sorts of darkness, and yet I think God has gently pulled me away from it and placed me on solid ground. I've heard about the solid rock of God, and experienced some of the spiritual stability thereof, but this is the first time that I don't feel like a boxer against the ropes, and like God is in my corner - no, in the ring with me - giving me strength to battle on. Maybe I'll continue to have depressing days and think that I just can't win, but there will be this underlying understanding, I think, that I have been set free.

Wow. I guess I'll just never understand how He does things. Or why. But it's awesome.

Transformed Hearts

I've had some amazing things happen in the last few days.

I just got done reading "Surfing for God:Discovering the Divine Desire Behind Sexual Struggle" by Michael John Cusick. Wow. It is timely in that a number of things have hit the fan recently for me.

So first, the context of what is happening in my life. As I have mentioned, I have still been struggling in some areas of sensuality and with masturbation. When I reported this to my wife, she asked me what my patterns were, what triggers I was failing at, and it was the same old, same old - movies. She was angry and upset that I would keep trading in my family for a bit of entertainment, knowing full well that seeking those visuals inevitably leads to sexual sin in some manner (if even just lusting over fully clothed women on the screen).

Her anger sent me into a deep depression (yes, it's the same old relationship addiction and co-dependency causing me to be paralyzed by fear, and I realized that I needed to let go of that and re-focus on my walk with Jesus again) and I at first swore to myself that I would read more scripture, find tougher accountability partners, and get rid of all movies for the rest of my life. While those are simple fixes that can help in the short term to re-focus, I've already found that just asserting boundaries and "white knuckling" does not work for me. I need real and lasting change.

And that is the core theme throughout Cusick's book, that you have to allow God and other believers into your deepest darkest pits of despair and secrecy, that you have to ask Jesus to take those places and bring them all into the light, to transform your heart's household into a mansion of light. Jesus is in the business of healing the broken-hearted into people of courage, integrity, and faith. He wants to heal and transform our hearts, so we can be the amazing creation He meant for us to be. But He wants us to seek Him earnestly, to be still and listen to Him. This may take time and some repetition before we understand the abandonment and surrender that needs to take place for us to just sit and hear Him.

For me, I have realized that there is an abandoned, lonely, and scared little boy in me. I think back to all of the formative moments in my life, and realize that I left important parts of my psyche strewn all throughout my timeline, that I became more and more numb to the beauty of life with all of the disgusting things I went through. I later sold my inheritance for the stimulation of worldliness, and I feel that Jesus wants to give it back to me.

The book describes a man that had asked Jesus to connect with him directly and show him what was needed, asking what Jesus wanted to say and show him, asking time and again until it was revealed, and then continuing on this path of healing. About the third time that the guy prayed this, Jesus took him back to a moment when he was a boy looking at Playboy magazines, and told him that He loved that boy then, and he loved the man that he was, broken and disgusting as he was, and that he would always love him and be with him.

It struck me that this was something that I needed to do, and similarly to the experience that this other addict had, I was struck with a vivid demonstration of God's love when Jesus gave me a vision: when I was a little boy of 4, I was sitting in the hallway, already numb with abandonment problems, watching pornography on my mom's boyfriend's projector screen while they fornicated. Rather than the images being the predominant theme of this vision (as is usual when I think back to this instant), instead, the vision was one of Jesus taking me by my little hand and leading me away.

For many of you, this might seem like a silly thing, and certainly not earth-shattering enough to quit all forms of lust. But God is mysterious in the way that He works, and I think that this is just one of many moments to come where He will communicate His way and will to me for my life. He wants to deliver me from this burden and shame, and He wants me to help set the other captives free. It all starts with time - time just sitting with Him and meditating on His truths and asking where He wants to take me next, what He wants to show me and say to me next.

Praise your name, Lord Jesus, for you are my strength and my shield, my fortress and my rock! All true healing of the heart comes from you, and I want to place every facet of my life in your hands.

So, all of that said, November 15, 2015 is my first day of complete purity, and trying to seek a complete healing and wholeness in Christ. May I glorify Him more by serving His kingdom, and by being holy for His purposes.

Radical Amputation of Sin

Sigh. How stupid we can be. Or I can be.

One of Satan's primary methods to get us to doubt God is to say, "Did God really say that?" (Genesis 3:1).

It is certainly this way when we view the scripture that says, "If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off." God certainly didn't say that, did He? Well, yes, He did. And that was Jesus, not some old testament prophecy. That was the man (man-God) who as He hung on the cross said, "forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."

What I understand about my addiction is that when I leave any room at all for visual tastes to be fed on a regular basis, I eventually fall into sin. So, TV and movies should generally be left out of my repertoire. Hard to do when your new roommate (while you are separated from your wife) has cable TV (though ratings locked) and you have a computer on which you can watch movies (not ratings locked, though filtered for Covenant Eyes). Hard to do, I say, but not impossible. You have to WANT it.

I recently approached some of the more aggressive gentlemen in my 12-step recovery program at Celebrate Recovery, and one of the first things that they said is that I need to engage in "radical and aggressive amputation", that I need to rid myself of any patterned behavior that may lead to sin, even if I have to quit my job, move, etc. The next thing that they said is that I need to fill my life with prayer and worship, and work to get delivered from each and every image that the Holy Spirit convicts me of.

They recommended that I place a reminder/alert on my cell phone for every hour to remind me to pray and worship God. This has helped me set a new daily thought pattern, and it has definitely set new levels of faith and confidence in my heart. I feel more ready to meet God than ever before, and I have a lot less anxiety. They also recommended that I change the spiritual atmosphere around me by playing an audio bible or worship music throughout my day.

When my wife reads this, she's probably going to smack me upside the back of my head, because she has been saying things like this for our whole marriage. The big difference now is that I have burly men that are willing to pull alongside me to hold me accountable, and I actually WANT it now. I know that there may be frustration on her part that the ruination of our family has not caused me to want these things, to want to be completely free. I can't explain why that didn't dissuade me from my sins, except to say that the Holy Spirit has seized hold of my heart and given me a desire for Him.

Whatever you want to call these things that lead to sin... triggers, gateways, footholds, strongholds, etc. You've got to utterly destroy them in your life. You have to cut anything and everything from your life that is going to directly allow you to sin. And you have to WANT it.

Lord, please work in my heart to destroy every last shred of the pornographic spirit, release me from its bond on my heart, from the sexual sins of the past, every woman that I have ever been bound to, and set me free! I know that Jesus died for all my sins, I know that He died to set my free, and that I am free indeed. I pray that I would live for your glory, and to honor others greater than myself. Please let me honor my wife and never harm her again in these ways. Please let me have an increased respect and love for my family, to treat them with the care that Jesus gave to His church. And help me to WANT it.

The Secrets to Parenting

For years, I couldn't understand what it took to thrive in a good relationship, as my mind was more focused on my own needs being met (or at times was too preoccupied with the cycle of shame in which I was looping through constantly). So this blog post aims to direct others who have lived a self-centered life in the manner of how to serve those that need them the most in their lives: their children.

In short: Faith. Respect. Love. Selflessness. Humility. These concepts are continuous threads through all relationships. And they are dreadfully hard to accomplish for a self-focused person bent on fulfilling their own needs, so you (and I) have to pray hard that God can change your heart in each of these areas...

Faith
This is the bedrock and foundation of all things beautiful or good in life, especially relationships. If you don't know Jesus as Lord of all and Savior of your soul, then you will only be able to attempt a facsimile of these values. The reason for this is that Jesus Himself models the sacrifice and selflessness necessary to truly love others. He lived a life of holiness for us, died on the cross to bear the punishment for our sin, rose again that we might have eternal life in Him, and even now mediates on our behalf before the Father's throne. Without a relationship with Christ, none of these concepts about relationships with people will fully hit home.

Relationships to a non-believer are always mutual give-and-take, you-scratch-my-back-and-I'll-scratch-yours, and are ultimately fulfilling to the self in a feel good manner. Humanists and Objectivists, for example, view love as a self-serving act that is primarily focused on the physical side of the relationship; children are a by-product of what is fulfilling to the woman herself, and only insomuch as her career and goals are not threatened, for to deny oneself their desires is the ultimate sin. In fact, any relationship is only worth what I can get out of it emotionally, to the wordly and fleshly focused. I was definitely bent on serving myself and my own worldly desires before I became a believer in Christ, and have fought through years of habitual sin and broken relationships to realize that relationships cannot always give and take.

The problem with an investment approach is that relationships, especially with children, are all too often one-sided. Children do not reciprocate your love, and yet they absolutely require unconditional love to thrive in a sin-filled world. Christ models this humble servitude perfectly by washing his disciples' feet, refusing to play the political games of the age, and being obedient unto death on the cross. In fact, as He looked out over the crowd of people responsible for crucifying Him, among His final words were, "forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." He made provision for those that hated him to the point of murder, even as He was being killed.

We as parents need to realize that sacrificial love that puts our own needs aside for those of our children is where it all starts. And that takes a miraculous and fundamental change in our hearts, if we can't understand that. Something WORTH PRAYING FOR.

Respect
I grew up in a household where children were to be seen and not heard, and breaking the rules was met with irritation and violence, if disobedience persisted beyond the momentary lapse. The problem was, I had no respect in my heart for either of my divorced parents and began to loathe their instruction, which was nothing more than a product of their self-serving desire to keep my attitude under control, in a 'manageable', 'don't bother me' frame of mind.

Another type of parenting is to emotionally abandon the child, or alternately, to be friends with them. There needs to be a balance in the parents' life, where you are helping them to navigate away from their sin, and that sometimes takes a proactive, firm (but tender and long-suffering) approach. Using a large set of rules is all too often a cop-out to real, hands-on parenting where you actually interact with your children.

More often, however, parents are too heavy-handed...

If your expectation is that your children will one day be fellow heirs in Christ, then you have no right to treat them as lesser beings, nor should you debase them with angry discipline, nor provoking them to wrath with unrealistic expectations or by emotionally abandoning them. Your children may very well be worshiping alongside you in heaven one day, co-equals as heirs in Christ. How are you more superior in that regard, if it is Christ that paid the same price for all of our sins? How do you have the right to demand obedience, rather than pointing to the One who deserves all obedience?

Sure, you can point to the scripture that commands the child to submit to their parents, but you should probably realize that the command you are referring to is first preceded by a command for all believers to submit themselves to one another, and that the command is directed to the children themselves, not for parents to "lord it over those in their care" and present an overbearing influence so as to force submission upon the children - that would probably be the very "provoking your children to wrath" that we are instructed to not do.

No, I think that it's much wiser to afford consistent respect with your children, and to not always expect or demand respect in return (though it is completely acceptable to use disrespect as training moments). You need to reach their heart, and feed them gently and consistently from the bread of life. Two excellent resources here are Shepherding a Child's Heart and The Age of Opportunity, by the Tripp Brothers (pretty much anything these guys write about raising kids seems to be golden).

If you need to discipline (which you likely will), it should always include training and instruction in the Lord's word, and it should be done in love and not for selfish motives...

Love
"Love is patient, love is kind..." This definition in 1 Corinthians 13 is a good start, as are the gospels; they showcase the sacrifice and pastoral care of Christ, the selflessness and servitude of what love is all about.  The wholeness of scripture could be mined to help us understand the heights and depths of God's love for us, which we are supposed to do our best to point our children to as we preach the gospel and bring them before the Lord's anointing and washing in His word.

If you do not have love in your family, the spiritual waters will stagnate, and all the preaching of the word will be as a clanging gong/cymbal. In another analogy, the foundation will be bad and cause the house to crumble.

For years, I attempted to dazzle my family with my theological knowledge, and all the while I was unraveling internally as I fought secret sin. My self contempt ate away at me (this will be another blog post) and it caused me to lack love and tenderness in my dealings with my wife and kids. In short, life became dark and filled with drudgery. I had no passion for God or His word, much less for nurturing my family's faith. The Spirit of God gets "choked out" in such conditions, unless something drastic is done, and it is impossible to love others or affect Godly change in their lives when you yourself are hiding your sin in shame, hiding your true heart from others and from God. I recommend confession and accountability in such situations - be free from your sin! Then, re-establish a relationship with God.

Love for others starts with a love for God, a good relationship with our Lord that is nourished by regular time speaking directly with him in your "prayer closet", reading His word, praying without ceasing, and simple obedience. That foundation of the love for God is where you can build all good things, and without it the house will fall, and nothing good can be built. You can take your family to the water and bread of life on a regular basis, and you can act in love towards them as a result of who you are in Christ.

One resource to consider here is Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It really places a context on "how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is" for us.

Your household will take on a different shape when there is a fertile landscape of love within which to work...

Selflessness
If you snap at your children because they are interrupting your TV or book reading time, you probably don't understand the idea of selflessness. Love does not seek its own way. We need to consider others as greater than ourselves, and do our best to think of others' needs before our own. Especially our children. If they need to eat, feed them first. If they need clothing, clothe them first. If they need diapers, school supplies, haircuts, etc., these should come before your own needs wherever possible.

Children are utterly dependent on us for all of their physical needs. You should realize that they are dependent on us for all of their spiritual needs, as well. We serve as a conduit to them for all things Godly, and we need to lead them to the bread of life equally as much as we lead them to their Lucky Charms in the morning.

Emotionally speaking, we need to do our best to be there for them. Listen to them. Spend time with them. Get down on the floor and be at their level and play with them. Feed their imaginations with a life that is full of adventure, and abundant life. Bring them to the library and fill their heads with Godly entertainment, feed their minds with whatever good this world around us can bring. Limit the time that you allow the TV to baby sit them while you do dishes, etc. Work alongside them. Bring them into the activities that you are doing, let them be a part of just about every facet of your life. This is all a part of training, and when done in love and mutual respect, it can be very rewarding and beautiful for your entire family.

Humility
Jesus was the ultimate servant during His life on this earth, choosing a lowly existence and eschewing the temptation to rule the earth as king in place of fulfilling His true purpose on the cross. As a babe, He was born in a manger. As a child, He was raised by a carpenter in a location that was less than ideal for the religious upbringing of the Priest of all priests. He wanted no treasures, no recognition, no power. His earth-time ministry was lowly and held no accolades - many people sought Him out because He healed or gave them food, and when it came time to determine His innocence before a Roman court, they were easily incited to shout, "crucify him!".  And he died the horrible death of a criminal.

We, too, should approach our families like a man who has everything to invest in them, and none in ourselves. As much as we are selfless for our children, we should also consider them as greater than ourselves (as far as the kingdom is concerned). We should desire their greatness, and that we should be lessened, that they might grow greater, teaching them that all glory is due our God and that they should invest every talent given by God for His Kingdom's sake.

Rather than humbling our children forcibly, we should edify their hearts and build them up with loving and positive reinforcement.

Christ was the servant who washes his disciples' feet, and the king who rode on a donkey, the King of the Universe that chose to die a humbling death by being hung on a tree (a disgraceful way to die, according to the Jews), and all for our sake so that we would be free from condemnation because of our sin. In all His ways, he was demure about His position in the universe, and we should choose likewise to lower ourselves consistently for our family's sake. We aren't the spiritual leaders of our household so we can puff out our chest and descend into laziness, pointing at all others to work hard while we read the paper and watch football games. No, we are to model the right behavior from in front of the troops, by leading the charge into those dishes and trumpeting the call to change those diapers ourselves!

Our Lord wanted the children to approach Him while here on this earth, and He taught them and enjoyed them. He loves us as children and calls Himself the Son of the Father, modeling for us true humility for us in so many ways. We should never think of ourselves as great, not outside of Christ. We have only Him for which we can boast, and we have only His example and Spirit by which we can lead and serve our children...

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! (Philippians 2:1-8)

Active Listening

I have been confronted for years with an issue of which I only recently realized the full impact: That I interrupt others and dominate conversations. I have done this especially with my wife and children. And when conversations turn tough or tensions rise, if I don't want to listen, I have retreated either within myself or physically to another room.

I have never been a good listener, having not been trained very well in social graces to begin with. If I interrupt or fail to listen, then one can easily conclude that I don't value the things that the person is saying. There is likely some truth to this, as I haven't valued women well as I should, and have been loaded up with too much patriarchal teachings to respect the position of a wife as a co-equal heir in Christ. I was also brought up in a household where children should be seen and not heard, and their opinions are of the same importance as horse dung. This is a severe problem when we are supposed to be loving others.

I would really like to repent of this, because I'm suddenly realizing the pure joy that I and my family members are having with each other as we actively listen to each other's opinions, concerns, and just every day happenings. I need to let people speak their mind, especially when five of the six oldest people in the house are female - women thrive off of sharing their hearts by having someone listen without interrupting, and knowing that they are valued. I'm not certain of all of the dynamics here, but I'm learning. I am certain that there should be more tradeoff in conversations, but sometimes when relationships have been strained as a result of your devaluation of others, then you need to prove to them that you value and love them, sometimes by just listening.

So, active listening, from what I understand, is just listening with the goal of absorbing everything that the person is saying, and helping to fill gaps and further the conversation only by asking quick, pointed questions about details, clarification, or asking what they mean by a statement.

I had an experience recently where a daughter didn't want me in the room to listen to a conversation that she was having with her mom, "because I interrupt sometimes." So, after their conversation was over and she wasn't busy, it seemed like she still wanted to talk, and I lent an ear to the same stories that she told mom, and did a pretty good job actively listening. I'd give myself a B+ or A-. It enriched the evening so much, that I was excited about it.

I've been working harder to really listen to my wife, and I have to be careful to not keep giving so much advice about what she should be doing, which only denigrates how she is feeling about the situation, possibly insinuating that she is a failure, and asserting a position of superiority rather than one of teamwork. Also, in situations where there has been emotional abandonment, separation, and near divorce, active listening helps to validate your wife's (very real) pain, not to mention re-building the intimacy that the relationship likely didn't have.

A good marriage will be one of exchanges, but not where you are dominating the conversation. If you ever find yourself dominating a conversation, it might be wise to switch tracks and attempt to just actively listen for a while before saying anything. Consider what the person is saying, mentally mull what they are saying, value what they are saying, and do your best to work on equal terms with them, not as lording it over those in your care.

As for 'retreating', if you retreat into yourself as a result of everyday activities or conversations that you just don't like, then you may want to think more about being Christ-like and sacrificial as you serve others in our Lord's name. This is also a tactic for someone that feels overwhelmed by the conversation, whether because the other person is being hurtful or the topic is just too difficult to bear. Sometimes there are mental and spiritual blocks on the person not wanting to talk to the other person and hear them out. I would say that in a relationship, this is poisonous, for many reasons. If there is a level contempt that causes one person to speak too harshly or for the other person to shut themselves off, then you probably need deep biblical counseling in your relationship. Forgiveness might be an issue, as may be a basic level of respect and love that is due to everyone, even your enemies.

One last note here: think of how you actually value people. God wants us to value every life in a precious manner, even more so those within your own family. We should respect everything that they are and have to say. Respect where they are at, hoping and praying for them, and not brow-beating or debating them into submission. LOVE THEM with patience, kindness, forgiveness, selflessness, and hope.

As a tongue-in-cheek example of where a woman wants to have her feelings valued, watch the following comedy...  It's Not About the Nail.

Yea, Though I Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death

I confess, in the midst of my current walk, there are days where I am just beat down. As I sit in front of my (Covenant Eyes Filtered and Monitored) PC in an empty townhouse, separated from my family because of my own sin, I am exploring my pain, and trying to demonstrate how I am currently turning it over to God...

I am constantly dwelling on the fact that I'm sick, have been sick for 42 days. I picked up various symptoms, including a cough that has persisted and become pneumonia (which I think I am finally kicking), an ear infection that is leaving me deaf in my right ear, vertigo for most of that time, throwing up for two days because of a reaction to medication (?), nausea if I don't fill my stomach with something shortly after taking my medication, and minor flu-like symptoms like achiness and heavy sweating (though this is not influenza) and insomnia on some nights (probably due to the pseudoephedrine in the Mucinex D). Fun, fun. But it doesn't stop there...

I think of yesterday how I vicariously experienced my roommate's agony of receiving final divorce papers. There is a cloud over this household, and every time I walk past the small bookshelf that has the divorce papers sitting on top of it, I am reminded of my own precarious marriage.

My wife wrote an email to me the other day that confronted me with the landscape of destruction that I have caused in our marriage (19+ years of porn addiction and associated bad behavior), and how I had no right to ask her to focus on our relationship at all at this point. So I am faced with having to go visit our house, see the kids, pretend that I don't desire my wife, and just do my best to serve. I often feel that with the years of self destruction and with my wife's hardened heart, which she has fortified against me because of my sins, that there is little hope. And her resistance toward rebuilding our marriage, though merited, puts a dagger in my heart. She is not committed to divorce (yet, or as far as I know), but she is not committed to our marriage. So I am in a purgatory of depression and fear, trying desperately to connect with God, and keep myself pure. I guess I now know what my wife felt like after I lost my job due to porn. In no way do I want to justify my sin, as a disclaimer here, I am just sharing all of the thoughts that put me in this current despair.

But in the midst of this, I realize some major problems with my own thinking, that I am definitely not aligned with God when I focus on the tidal waves of my problems - that didn't work too well for Peter while walking on water; when he took his eyes off Christ, he began to sink into the water. Thankfully Jesus was there to rescue him.

So, what do I do? Well, I wanted to write this while I am in the midst of my struggle, and similar to a Davidic Psalm, I will explore the range of my sin/emotion versus God's perfect way. David had a way of starting psalms off by asking where God was, why He was rejecting him, what in the world could he do to pull himself out of the pit of despair. He all too often finished by talking about entering into the house of worship, or calling on the Lord, and then focusing on who God was - His nature and His promises, upon which all of our hopes rest.

So here is my plan:

1. Pray out loud. Like David, I want to turn my hurt and frustration over to God, share and explore with Him what is ailing me to the point of realizing that it is likely a rejection of God's sovereignty and redeeming power that causes me to lose hope. Nothing is random, and everything works for good for those that love God. I need to worship Him and dedicate myself to Him no matter what is going on. It is in the act of actually praying and opening my mind and heart to Him that I begin to realize these things, and I become a bit stronger.
2. Repent. Realize that there is a difference between Godly sorrow that leads to repentance, and fleshly sorrow that leads to death. I will CHOOSE to face up to God, bring Him all of the things that cause me sorrow, and ask Him to help me sort through it all. I will refuse to enter into a pity party, practically bathing luxuriously in my sorrow.
3. Re-focus. Realize that my relationship with my wife has been a major trigger to reject God and act out in evil, such as looking at porn. This relationship addiction, or co-dependency, or idolatry is getting in the way of a right relationship with God. So I guess I need to ensure that I am putting away fears about my relationship with my wife, and right now focus on my relationship with God, and just serving others in His name. I will continue to lift up my marriage in prayer, but give it over to God.
4. Love my children no matter what. They have been too negatively affected by all of this as it is. I need to pray that we can find some way to bring God into the household 
5. Pray for my wife's heart, that she would be healed and softened toward a better relationship with God. I hope that she will not find God culpable for my sins. I rejected God at times to perform my sins, and it is therefore against His will that I sinned against her.
6. Meditate on God's Word. Get into the psalms, the gospels. Examine how God has loved me so much, is reaching out to me for a full and lively relationship.

My prayer will always be that my wife will love me like she never has before. I pray that the harm that I have done will recede with time, and that my wife and children will be healed. I pray that I can come back home, and that we can learn together how to do battle against the darkness that threatens to tear us apart. But in all things I will realize that my God is Lord, and all things are in His hands. HIS will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Oh, the Shame!

Cusick's cycle of porn addiction

All too often, the cycle of porn addiction moves from preoccupation, to preparation, to acting out, to shame, and back round again. Michael John Cusick has written a really good book on this matter, Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle. In it, he posits that the shame part of the cycle is the most opportune time to escape (his book contains many other devices and it's chock-full of information about why we look at porn, what it's doing to us, how to heal, etc. Great story teller, great book!). Covenant Eyes has an article, "Destroying Porn Addiction Starts with Destroying Shame", that looks at shame from another angle, in understanding how shame keeps the cycle going because we remain in isolation, hiding our sin in darkness so that it cannot be resolved.

Where Does Shame Start?
In the garden, Adam and Eve's disobedience to God's one law (do not eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge) "opened their eyes" and gave them a sense of conscience for what was previously considered completely natural - their nakedness. They made the lame attempt to cover themselves with leaves, but it was not until God spilled blood (a foreshadowing of Christ's atoning death) and covered them in the skins of animals that they were sufficiently covered. So, for the sake of this study, I'd like to call the sense of conscience "guiltiness", and the lame attempt to cover it up "shame". There is nothing wrong with the sense of knowing that you have sinned, a sorrow that leads to repentance but not to shame.

Many of us start with the shame cycle by realizing our guilt for having fallen short of God's perfect plan, having missed the mark (sin). Rather than turning our guilt over to God for the power of repentance (more below on this), we pity ourselves, focus inwards, become bitter, and begin to hide from God. Repentance is empty, with no accountability and no desire to bring the sin into the light. Without any boundaries, a person begins to form patterns of behavior, and with each successive venture into sin, the shame grows darker and we dig an insurmountable hole for ourselves. Unfortunately, what would have been an 'easier' initial confession becomes that much more difficult the further down the dark hole we venture.

Shame hides in the shadows when God comes around, and attempts to hide sin under a fig leaf.

How Does the Shame Continue?
Shame continues when we continue to hide ourselves from God. Without the redemptive powers of true repentance, confession, and putting to death the deeds of the flesh by cutting off the right hand that causes us to sin (setting boundaries), the sinner becomes a helpless addict, caught in a cycle of repetitive and darkly rewarding behavior, a counterfeit of the true joy that the Lord provides us with.

For many, life's pain is too much to bear without a healthy and dedicated relationship with God, and some sort of 'fix' is introduced to their life. Rather than seeking healing from God, a lack of faith and preoccupation with worldly ideals will lead this person to find an alternate to God. Some medicate their pain with alcohol or drugs, others depend on emotional and relational ties to buoy their souls, and some turn to porn to empower themselves when their relationships fail. There are an infinite number of addictions, an infinite storehouse of idols from which to choose.

Rather than being able to enjoy God and what He intended us to be, trading "...their glorious God for that shameful god Baal" (Hosea 4:7b), the addict fills the God-sized gap with a puny stand-in that curses rather than blesses them. We make our modern idols not from wood or stone, but fashion them in our minds from drunken hazes, euphoric highs, or human flesh. John Calvin once spoke of our hearts being idol-making factories, where we fall all too easily into false perceptions of life that become idols that we hold out to against God's true purposes. Certainly addiction is a matter of idol(s) that we hold dear in our lives, and shame is the shelf upon which the idol sits, indeed a cabinet within which we can hide our idols from others.

With each session that we worship the idol (our object of addiction that allows us to self-medicate) and reject God's ways, an addict (even a true believer in Christ) experiences more shame and their sense of self worth becomes more and more focused on their failure and lack. They continue to engage in the addictive patterns, and eventually grow  in their sinful activity. The addict increases the stimulation that they gain from sin, as the puny stand-in grows weary and boring with repetition, and the 'high' that they usually get from it grows stale. As the addict's heart grows numb to the sin, they allow for worse and more vile sinful acts. In the case of porn, for example, the addict moves from bathing suits, to nudity, to hardcore porn, to bondage and possibly illegal child porn or other more vile forms.

It is shame that breaks and eventually hardens our hearts and causes us to hide our sin further in the dark recesses of our lifestyles. Without realizing it, we put ourselves into the state of selfish penance, rejecting the cross for our own way. Pitying ourselves and mental self-flagellation seems so much more real to the wordly-minded than words on a page that tell us that some dude died 2000 years ago so that I wouldn't have to bear the burden of shame. It is shame that causes us to believe that we can never be loved and that Christ's death on the cross isn't strong enough to atone for our worst of sins, that we are fooling ourselves to believe that God ever loved such a wretched sinner like us. So we continue the addictive cycle of sin, refusing to believe that it will ever end. As Cusick says, "Wash, rinse, spin. Repeat."

Shame leads to further sin and a downward spiral that eventually leads to death of everything sacred in the person's life, if not their physical death. But there is always hope for the worst of sinners...

How Do We Break the Cycle of Shame?
You can kill the shame in your life. You can kill the sin in your life. But not on your own. The further down the path of sin you follow, the harder it will be to turn away from your sin and break the cycle of shame, but you will finally be free. No longer a slave to your idol.

Here is what God tells us we need to do:

1. Take Responsibility - Own your sin. Realize that you have a problem. Desire the change that it takes to remove the problem from your life, realizing not only the damage that it has done to you and others, but also realizing that you can have so much more in Christ.
2. Repent -  Turn away from your sin, and turn to God. Confess your sins to Him. Realize that our God is infinitely more powerful than your sin, and that He loves you and desires your dedication and then your healing.
3. Confess - Once you have confessed your sins to God, you also need to confess your sins to others close to you. Believers in Christ. People that will react in a Godly way by loving you and desiring to pull alongside you to help you find your way back to a focus on God. Confess that you haven't allowed Christ's atonement to stand in place of your condemnation, and that you are free and a new creation as a result of what God did, nothing that you can ever do.
4. Purge - Get rid of anything that would cause you to sin further. Break the bottle, flush the drugs, disconnect the computer, do whatever it takes to step aside and fast from things so you can re-focus.
5. Set Boundaries - Be extreme. It's silly to say "don't be legalistic" when the sin you are committing is the very bondage that will lead to death. The improper reaction would be to only focus on the law and saying "just stop doing it", without re-dedication to God. Boundaries are important for the addict, because it helps you when you are weak, when your sin nature takes the wheel and you start to fall off the wagon. We are told to cut off the right hand that causes us to sin, and to "put to death the deeds of the flesh", and to dedicate our members for holiness. For the porn addict, for example, when you are feeling particularly hormonal and don't think you will be able to control yourself, you will be glad that the boundaries can help you to refocus. Alcoholics will want to find extreme ways to stay away from the alcohol stores, drug abusers should cut all ties to anyone doing or selling drugs, and porn users should install filters and accountability filters that help them avoid those impulse decisions to sin.
6. Be Accountable - First to God, then to your accountability partners. There are a number of groups such as Celebrate Recovery that have chapters near you, and are full of people that would love to be your sponsor or accountability partner. These are people that you can call at 2 AM to let them know that you're suffering and don't want to fail. They pray with you, visit you, act as your internet filter partner, drive you places, pour themselves out in prayer for you all the day long. The most important part of this is to find someone that you can be continually and completely transparent with, even when you fail. Someone that will ask the difficult questions and get in your face when they think you're being deceptive.
7. Rededicate - Spend Time with God, and either ask Him to be Lord for the first time, or ask Him to forgive you and wash you of your sins. You need to break all bondage in your heart by constantly dedicating yourself to meditation on His word, fasting if it helps, and praying without ceasing. God wants you to enjoy His presence, His glory. Find ways to understand it and worship Him because of it.
8. Persevere - Learn to find ways to give your pain over to the Lord. Keep refocusing yourself on His power and grace, His ability to continue to heal you and uphold you. When you find that you can't handle it anymore, you can. There are plenty of resources on the websites that I link to on this page to keep you occupied with Godly thoughts. You are a warrior and a new creation, equipped already with all the weapons to defeat your enemy (see my other post about doing battle), you just need to learn to pick them up and be proficient at using them against the enemy. Lean on your brothers and sisters in Christ when you are weak. Run the race so as to win, because in Christ it has already been won.
9. Help others - Just as Christ said, "Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you", you should share yourself with others. Serving others is what God's kingdom in this life is all about. Learning to be more sacrificial and Christ-like in your every day life. Love those who hate you so that they may be won over by the gospel and be saved for eternity. Just as you were a starving beggar, now show every other starving beggar where to find the bread of life.

The Victims of Addiction Need to Heal

I recently had a 'coming to Jesus' moment with my wife. Well, it was my moment, and her agonizing years (18+, to be exact) worth of trying to tell me, and warn me, and finally force me. It took being confronted with the landscape of my sins and the solitude of separation and even the specter of divorce to realize that my marriage was dead and my children were spiritual orphans.

Part of an addict's issues is that they don't understand the pain that they've caused to others. Addicts are slaves to the flesh, self-medicating their own pain in alcohol or drugs or fantasy life (porn, etc.) and completely forgetting the trail of tears left behind. In fact, many addicts will repent of their sins and come clean, only to forget what is important and return to their selfishness.

I have a wife of 21 years and we have 8 children - 5 girls and 3 boys. They are all beautiful souls at their core, desiring beautiful things, but they are obvious products of pain and misery and it is pretty obvious that their father and husband has lacked the appropriate servitude and selflessness that should be evident in a Christian man's life, has in fact harmed them with spiritual abandonment, indifference, carelessness, selfishness, anger, and outright sin such as adultery.

I can just hear the choruses of "it takes two to ruin a relationship" and "she's probably got her problems, too, I'm sure." STOP. No, really, just stop. If you are thinking anything close to that in your head, then you likely have some issues in your own life that keep you from an appropriate level of responsibility to your own spouse and family, possibly God.

To meet the issue of addiction head on first, the addict must realize that they have an idolatry in their heart that causes a complete occupation with their god of choice - alcohol, drugs, porn, etc. The addict has a problem with worshiping the true God, and likely has pain that they haven't dealt with in its proper context, possibly blaming others and/or God for their problems. "If only he/she were more loving", or "if only I could get x, I'd be happy." What the addict is doing is replacing the true source of all joy and glory, and trading God for a cheap imitation. And similar to when Israel worshiped idols, their spiritual life suffered beyond hope, and with it, the families - just as they sacrificed their children to Baal, addicts sacrifice intimacy and sacrificial love for our families for the sake of serving ourselves. The family stagnates and gradually dies under these conditions.

The temptation is to react to large meltdowns in the family by focusing primarily on your family and desire to 'fix' things, and work harder to be the man that you are supposed to be. What you are in fact doing at that point is putting yourself in the place of God, denying the complete washing you need to receive by humbling yourself before the sacrifice on the cross, and finding yet another cheap alternative to true and deep healing. I can just imagine all of the addicts groaning and throwing their hands in the air, but there is only one narrow path that you can follow to true healing, and that is to restore your relationship with God, where the true focus belongs...

YOU NEED TO HUMBLE YOURSELF BEFORE GOD, and starting with the gospel, meditate heavily on the word of God and then in prayer name your sins and ask God to heal you from them, renouncing them as absolute 100% sin, and an affront to the blood of Christ. Ask God to restore a right spirit in your heart, and to restore a joyful relationship between you and Him. Our whole purpose is to glorify Him and enjoy Him, and you need to desperately seek God and ask for the strength to make that happen. Seek, knock, ask. And humble yourself. And ask again. And humble yourself some more. Every day seek God and ask for His cleansing power and for the ability to come before His presence and worship and love Him with everything you've got.

Yes, there are boundaries that need to be set, you need to do spiritual battle, and there are practical steps to combating sin in your life, but without the direct relationship with God being restored, all of these other resolutions and external-to-your-heart efforts will fail, because all of it is predicated on a right relationship with God.

The stronger your bond with God becomes, the more able you will be to serve and love your family. Sacrificially.

Ephesians 5:25-26 tells us husbands, "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word." If you have spent the large majority of your marriage dedicated to sin, then you have utterly failed in this manner. We are all supposed to be more Christ-like with every day that passes, and we should be seeking His word and His way fervently, and we should be bringing our families before the word - even more so with our wife, who should be "washed by the cleansing of God's word." Note that this scripture does not say 'shamed into submission by God's word' or 'corrected constantly by your brilliant exegesis and scholastic merit.' It says we should seek to make our wives holy and clean, and this language to me indicates the act of a Savior and Lord kneeling down to wash his disciples' feet, not dumping a bucket over their head and chucking a bar of soap at them.

If you have children, take an opportunity to bring them before God's word every day, in whatever simple illustrations you can give them for their age...

These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.… (Deuteronomy 6:6-8)

The word needs to be in your heart, and then you do your best to bring it to your wife and children, seeking only to humbly serve them, to lead the spiritually hungry to the bread of life. Not as one who is superior, but as a beggar showing others where to find food once discovered.

Do you see a theme here? What you need to do is realize the damage that you have done to your relationship with God first, and then your family. Then humble yourself. Bring yourself back to your Lord. Seek His word regularly. Allow yourself to feel the pain, and don't seek to medicate it anymore. Understand where everyone is at in their walk and fervently pray for healing in your heart and in their hearts. Be patient, it will take a long time, especially if you have been at your addiction for as long as I have. If you set expectations, you will push hurting loved ones further away from you. Just love and serve in whatever ways they will allow you. And humble yourself. Then humble yourself some more. And serve some more. And humble yourself even more. This is, I think the greatest formula for recovery for everyone involved in the addict's life.

Porn Use as Grounds for Divorce

This article on Covenant Eyes is just about the most balanced and fair treatment about this topic that I have ever read. Make sure to read to the very end, because he gives many proofs from the scriptures, and prescribes a very biblical course of action:

http://www.covenanteyes.com/2015/10/08/porn-use-as-grounds-for-divorce-how-my-opinion-changed/

The gist of the article is that though porn use by a spouse should not be used as a hair-trigger reason for divorce, nor should it be used as an excuse for divorce after the porn user has long since repented, an unrepentant spouse that continues to commit adultery in this manner is breaking the marriage covenant continually and binding themselves to other partners. After the offended spouse and the church confront the porn user in the Matthew 18 manner, if the porn user is still unrepentant and has a hardened heart, then similar to excommunication, the spouse may need to separate or divorce the unbeliever. It should be a long, drawn out process allowing plenty of time to repent and rebuild the marriage.

But I would say that God hates divorce, and there should never be any reason to divorce unless all options have been exhausted, the church being in complete agreement that the spouse has done so. Just as the covenant is made in front of the church, it should be broken in front of the church, with no other options finally being available. Left up to the emotions of one spouse, divorce is all to convenient and an easy option, and their emotions should be kept in check so elders can come in and counsel both parties.

The 'M' Word

So, I'll admit that this is one that I still struggle with. No matter how many nervous jokes we might try to make out of it, and no matter how much we might justify the activity by saying that the bible doesn't outright label it a sin, I think we can admit that masturbation is a selfish act that misses the mark (the very definition of sin) as far as God's design for sexuality and our sexual parts. It is purely self-serving, and lacks the sacrificial aspect of sex between husband and wife, not to mention the intimacy that fuels a real relationship between spouses. In fact, masturbation often causes bitterness and distance in marriages, as the difficulties that spouses should work through and allow them to work toward intimacy can be easily bypassed and ignored if one is taking care of their own needs.

So, what is a man (or woman, I suppose) to do? There are a number of married men that believe that they have to fill in those gaps in time when their wife can't perform in the bedroom, or there may be times of separation for any number of reasons, or a man might be single and awaiting his future wife. How do we handle these situations? I would posit the following...

1. Admit that masturbation misses the mark for your calling, and that it is therefore a sin, no matter how minor we might think that it is. This puts the act in proper context for how we react to the temptation to do it.
2. Practice the presence of God and pray without ceasing. This within itself should be somewhat of a deterrent to sin.
3. Avoid isolation and periods of time alone when you are tempted. If you are overloaded sexually and don't think that you'll be able to avoid masturbation, call someone and/or get out of the situation that you are in. Get away from the computer. Get out of the house, if needed.
4. Avoid stimulation on TV and computer that would cause you to want to seek your own pleasure. Even seemingly innocuous shows and movies and fully clothed women can cause you to be stimulated on any given day, so be watchful about this one. Bounce your eyes, but if it becomes too much, you may need to take further action...
5. Go for a walk, do something constructive for someone else, go to the library, call your accountability partners, call/talk to your spouse, do whatever it takes to move your mind off of yourself and onto God and others.
6. If you do fail in this area, reset. Don't shame yourself, try to do penance, or earn your way back into God's favor. Christ paid it all on the cross, so you merely need to ask for forgiveness, admit your mistake before God, and move on. Maybe meditate on how you can do better next time you are tempted, but don't engage in unhealthy preoccupation with your sin. 

Generally speaking, remember the rule of thumb to Run FROM, Run TO, and Run WITH. Flee from sin, run to God, and then practice the presence of and dwell richly with God.

Just about all battles begins in espionage, setting the battle lines, and the 'black ops' where specialized teams attack behind the lines. Our sneaky enemy will gradually change our thinking about sensuality to the point of making us think that sex is an absolute need and that fantasizing is normal, even about other women. And he will get us to think about our needs and our rights.

Even if you keep your mind on your own spouse initially, I think it's pretty much been proven that masturbation is a gateway to other sexual sin. Be careful to guide your mind and dedicate your body to God's purposes, and you will find that your self-serving desires will gradually abate. 

Ready for Battle

As I mentioned in my last post about fleeing from sin and fleeing to God, our Lord equips us with the full armor described in Ephesians 6 - Salvation, Righteousness, Truth, the Gospel, Faith, and the Word of God.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. (Ephesians 6:10-17 NLT)

These should all be ready in our arsenal as we go about our days. Find ways to pray for those who are close to you, and those that you meet for whom God gives you a heart. Meditate on God's word. Bring God into every situation and ask Him to show you how to glorify Him as you go about your business, as you shop, as you socialize, as you do everything. Pray without ceasing. Treasure His word in your heart. But most of all, ready yourself for battle.


Never forget that Satan prowls like a roaring lion, ready to devour the weak. Be on guard, and realize that we are in a war that will not end until Satan and his followers are thrown into the lake of fire. Always be vigilant, and never allow laziness to overtake your mind as you live your life. That may mean changing your habits, finding ways to be honest about all of those things that may lead to sin - triggers, pathways, etc. Remember, if you are on the battle field, you're not in the act of compromising with the enemy - your complete purpose is to kill the enemy and not allow them any foothold in your camps, no stronghold in your realms. Same thing as you battle for ground in your heart and in your mind. You do not want the sin nature that is evident in your flesh to gain any ground - you want to pummel it into submission and put to death the deeds of the flesh.

Just as much as sin chips away at the man that you were meant to be (until you become a wraith-like shadow of what you could have become), becoming more Christ-like will enable you to be everything that men were ever meant to be - sacrificial, protective, undeterred by evil, and focused on doing the Father's work and being champions for His kingdom.

Though we shouldn't be completely obsessed with fear for our enemy, we should be aware of his snares, traps, and lies, and be ever vigilant to meet them head on with all of the full arsenal of our Lord.