At the Heart of My Issues

I have continued to pray that God would show me the root causes of my habitual, addictive behavior. I think that He has shown me recently. And the bottom line is that I don't love God, I don't trust Him, and I don't believe that He loves me individually.

It takes a lot of faith to just believe that His word is actually His word.  His ways have to be better than ours, otherwise we align ourselves with Satan by saying, "did God really say that?" If God didn't, then He isn't God, and we have nothing to trust. I recognize that there are manuscriptural discrepancies, but that is a mole hill made into a mountain if I've ever heard one. It's amazing how alike those disparate manuscripts are, compared to other ancient writings.

It takes a lot of faith to believe that God is in the mundane, and that He will bless us in the every day situations that we live. It also takes faith when those things we hold dearest are going to be torn from us, and the world starts to crash in. We wonder if God cares, and when life just plain sucks, we start distrusting that God has our best interests at heart.

Something that I am discovering is that God puts us on the paths that we're on for a reason, and it always fits into His larger plan, for those of us that are His children. We have to learn to trust that whatever happens, it is for the best for us, and He knows what we need more than we do.

Of course, that trust comes with great difficulty when you and God are distant from each other. You have to dwell with Him, continue asking for His guidance and loving presence to keep you sane. Our lives are filled with pain, and God helps us to cope with the difficult runs in life, and persevere in our faith and love toward Him.

So, to prescribe a course of action...

1. Realize that God loves you. This is foundational to all love. If you can't realize His love for you specifically, then nothing else related to love will work out.
2. You should trust God, in lieu of His benevolence.
3. Realizing His love for you and your trust in Him, you need to let that evidence itself in your actions... chief among them is a love for Him, an all-consuming love (all your heart, mind, soul, strength) that causes you to live with abandon in His ways. In other words, you want to simply obey.
4. Living in God's ways will allow you to realize love for others. Love for others flows from love from God. It is all interconnected.

It is so lonely without realizing God's love. Life is empty, and nothing seems possible or hopeful. With God's love, all things are possible through Him who strengthens us.

All Things Work for Good

Man, this takes a lot of faith. I have had the burden of circumstances weighing heavily upon me, and I've been drowning in my own pity and sorrow.

My wife seems bent on divorce during particular moments, and I don't feel that it matters what I'm trying to do to work my way out of my issues. I get this feeling around my household when I go to visit, that the Daddy age has ended, and the party age is just beginning. I've been asking my wife for advice on how to interact with the kids, and I am hoping that it is the beginning of many dialogues to come. In other words, I feel that it is working in a positive direction, but I can never be sure, because of the utter lack of consistency that I get from my wife day in, day out. She doesn't seem interested in our relationship very much, that's for sure. She is more interested in my relationship with my kids.

Brothers in Christ have been telling me all sorts of things, from "just prepare for divorce" to "serve you wife and kids as best you can, and hopefully she'll come around". The best advice that I've gotten is that I need to leave it in God's hands, that this is a God-sized issue that is beyond me. But that is a lot easier said than done.

I've had to analyze why I feel everything is leading toward doom, that even divorce itself is the ultimate doom. I think I'm realizing (yet again) that there is a relationship addiction present that I need to let go of, but also I am realizing that I don't trust God. Like the parable of the invested talents, I am like the one talent guy that views God as a horrible taskmaster, and as a result, God will not invest in that attitude.

Thankfully I have a brother, Steven, that has been kicking my butt a bit and telling me that no matter what happens, God knows what is best for me. And that I have to believe that, and anything else is a matter of me believing Satan's lies. So, as hard as it seems, I have to give my situation with my wife up to God. Even if she divorces me, I just have to keep believing that God has a plan, and not harden my heart or sulk for years on end. Our Lord is good, no matter what. And that is what I need to believe. As much as I love my wife, and still hope all goes well and we both repent of our sins completely, I need to COMPLETELY give it over to God and not dwell on it any more, except to lay my petitions before Him in prayer and trust the outcome.

Lord, please give me the strength to persevere, looking to you for all the answers and outcomes for my life, because I have to believe that you will make everything right in your own timing. I surrender ALL.

Stop the Victim Mentality

I came out of a fugue today, a fog caused by my own self-pity and a lack of seeking God. I'm not even sure when it began, or how long I've allowed it to beset my mind. God just showed me that I should never grow weary of doing good (Galatians 6:9).

The more we focus on our issues, the problems, the "waves", the more we sink into the water and start drowning. We swim and fight against the waves through constant spiritual activity, and God is with us when we ask Him for help, under-girding us with his guiding touch. In fact, we can walk on top of those waves the more we focus on Him, like Peter with Jesus - walking on water through faith. 

How does that evidence itself in real life? I'm not exactly sure. But simple obedience and simply walking with Him are a good start. Just a child-like faith that everything is going to be OK because daddy (Abba) is present and He's not going to let us down. Sometimes He reassures us, but sometimes we just need to keep fighting, reaching out to God and asking for His help and continuing to worship Him and shout from the rooftops about His Lordship. Even when our minds are darkened and all seems fruitless and hopeless. Our hearts can never grow dark or weary, and we need to keep going, keep giving our lives over to Him.

And at the right time, in His own time, He will lift us up and bring us to exactly where we are meant to be.

Lord, thank you for being my rock, my strength, my salvation, my fortress, my shield. You are my everything. I pray that I would learn what it means to love you with everything I am, everything I have. Please continue to strengthen me, that I might glorify you, and please wrap me and my family in your warm embrace, protect us all so that we can serve each other and others in your name. Set the captives free, Lord, and we will worship in your throne room forever!